At the age of 10, my parents decided to send me to boarding school, approximately 3 hours away from home. The school was military based, therefore had a lot of structure, but offered so much more than the schools in Philadelphia. Our schedule was air tight from school, to homelife, and extra curricular activities. Every Sunday morning, the entire school attended church service and I quickly gravitated to church groups and serving. At about age 14, I was a part of the choir, attended bible study weekly, served on the chapel committee, and led the liturgical dance team. It was a fulfilling time in my life as I learned more about Christ, which helped me learn more about myself. As I got older and closer to adulthood, something shifted and I was not prepared for it all. I became complacent in my journey and in spite of everything I did in the name of Christ, I was experiencing emotional apathy.
Have you ever felt like you were just going through the motions?
Just recently, I remember driving home from work one night from a job that I had been working with the same schedule weekly. When I first started this job, I needed a gps to guide me and it required my full attention. I was new to the area and felt nervous if I didn’t have my gps to direct me. I would look for the Wawa as a landmark to see just how far I needed to go and always reminded myself to check for the furniture store on route 73 as well. Eventually, I began to understand and memorize my way home. I could take a hands-free call if needed and when I really got the hang of it, I could even make it through a detour without even being late. But this one particular night, I got in my car and immediately became consumed with my thoughts of the day, worries about tomorrow, analyzing the thing that was said to me earlier that day, and my mind was full. Before I knew it, I parked in front of my house and I could not remember seeing the Wawa and I completely missed the furniture store. It wasn’t that I failed to pass them during my drive, it was my mind being set on cruise control and lost in all the thoughts beyond my present moment. I was going through the motions without actually being present. This is what happened to me as a teenage Christian. I didn’t know it at the time, but this disconnect masked in “busyness” will lead me down a slippery slope to just assuming God forgot about me.
Life changes that lead to my spiritual apathy
When I graduated from high school, I was also 4 months pregnant with a little girl. My college plans had to be put on hold, my close friends became distant, and the father of my unborn child and I were falling apart. I’ve always had a very driven spirit, so these obstacles only fueled me to become something great and prove myself, to myself, that I would be successful in spite of my circumstances. “I” was all that I needed, so “I” got myself into radiology school, “I” graduated and a could afford a car and new apartment. “I” built a life for my daughter and I, but when “I” looked around “I” realized I had left something, more like, someone behind. But in my state of “I”, I figured He had forgotten me anyways based on all the obstacles and my ability to overcome them, by what seemed to be, by myself. I pushed down the holy spirit tugging at me and moved on with my life.
My journey back to Christ is still being written, but I can tell you for certain that my relationship with Christ will never be the same. It took many trials in my mid-late 20’s for me to see how empty my life had become without having any foundation. It took losing friends, jobs, and making some pretty bad decisisons for me to wake up and see that God has been there all along, guiding me, and calling me back home. I will eventually share more details of how I came to the end of myself, but for now, it’s important to realize that when you feel like it’s the end and all is lost, God has the ability to turn it into a new beginning.
I felt called to share this snippet of my journey and I hope it reminds you that if you ever feel like God has forgotten about you, you are not alone and it is okay. We have all been in dark and confusing places where we just don’t feel like anyone is there. But there is good news that even in your confusion He is present. “Your God, the Lord himself, will be with you. He will not fail you or abandon you.” Deuteronomy 31:6
I pray this post is helpful to you in someway and if it speaks to you, I would love to connect with you and further the conversation. Please share your comments below and also if you know anyone who maybe going through a season of feeling abandoned, please share this with them. I look forward to sharing more with you!